Updated: Aug 23, 2021
As I sit here thinking back on 2020 I cannot help but smile. Although it was indeed a different year and year where we were forced into a different way of living, I must say that my year was full of blessings and I was given the chance to work on myself and was able to heal old wounds, forgive myself for past mistakes and shortcomings, and to find my inner peace that had been missing for so very long.
This year forced me to slow down and rest. It made it virtually impossible for me to fill my time with busyness that was nothing more than filler so I did not have to deal with the nagging presence that was in my soul. My brokenness came to the surface and I once again reached out to God for his direction, love, and forgiveness. It had been many years since I had invited him into my life and I was very fearful that he might turn his back on me as many in the world had done over the years.
That is not how God works and I am so glad to say that he accepted me back with open arms and unconditional love. The last five years or so I had been slowly inching my way back into his fold but this year I decided enough was enough and jumped in both feet. There was pain as I pulled back the layers of my life and dealt with my past hurts, the hurts I had caused, my wasted years, and all the indiscretions that entailed. God’s forgiveness came easily but forgiving myself was not as easy.
The guilt and condemnation that I had been carrying for so long were extremely heavy and not that easy to shake. However, with determination and the support of some very wonderful people I was finally able to lay it all down. The one defining moment in my healing process was the day I was apologizing to God all over again because of my past and I heard a voice as clear as a bell saying, “I don’t know who you are talking about”. It was at that exact moment that God did not know the old me anymore because he had forgiven me and thrown it all into the sea of forgetfulness (Micah 7:19). It was only me believing the lies that I had lived with for so long. The lies that I was not important, that I was unlovable, unworthy, and that people only tolerated me. It was hard work to shake the lies that I had accepted as truths for the majority of my life.
There is no longer anyone that I harbor any ill will towards. That doesn’t mean that I just allow anyone into my life but it does mean that instead of plotting their demise I now pray that God will bless them and that they can find the peace that I am so blessed to have in my life
There are still hard days, trials and tribulations, and heartache in my life but the way I deal with it, all has changed. The way I react is truly the only thing I can control. Going from being a control freak to accepting I have no control was another revelation that brought about peace.
Even when hardships are brewing in my life, I do not let them consume me. I have decided that I am going to enjoy my life as the battle rages on. There are times when you have to deal with the negatives but my focus no longer is stuck there. I deal, move forward, count my blessings, and believe. It is easy to write, harder to do, but as I changed my mindset, it became easier to accomplish each time.
For years, I forced a square peg into a round hole and endured the pain of my choices. I still have to watch myself and think about my actions but I can see the warning signs much clearer when I am heading down the wrong path. Each day I attempt to do my best. Some days I am the pigeon others I am the statue but every day I put my trust in the fact that God has a plan for my life and it will be more than I can ever imagine.
The wreckage of my past is a sign that I certainly did not know what I was doing. The peace I now have as the storm of life rages on is proof positive that putting my faith in God and believing the promises that are in the Bible can and have sustained me through some hardships.
I realize that being a Christina does not mean life will be easy, and if I am honest, since I took my stand for God it has been very hard. That being said, it was very hard in the world but there was no unconditional love, no one truly have my back, I was never sure what was motivating people to be my friend but I do not have all these insecurities with God. There are times when I feel lonely but I was lonely in the world, but I always have peace.
I am still me. I am still foolish, love to laugh, love my people, stubborn, sarcastic, bold, and talk too much but knowing that God has created me this way and will use these characteristics I no longer apologize for being me. I no longer view myself as unworthy or just tolerated. I no longer use the words past sins or failures when I speak of my past, I merely state that I have tons of experience.
My heart goes out to those who suffered during 2020 and I pray that 2021 will be a year of restoration, healing, love, and kindness to you all. Partner up with God and be brutally honest with yourself. It is not fun at the time but the payoff is remarkable and so worth it. Learn to love the life you are living as we only get one kick at this can. It is never too late; there is nothing God cannot forgive if you ask with a sincere and honest heart.
Here is to 2021, I still have a ton of work to be done in me and as I proceed on my journey, I will be praying for you all.