Updated: Nov 16, 2020
Thursday, October 29, 2020
Fear, I am truly not scared of much and never really was. However, I do have a few fears that have been brought into the light this past week.
The first fear that was brought into the light was the fear of being lied about. As a young teenager, sixteen to be exact, someone very high up in the church spread some vicious and hateful lies about me and it was that exact time that I walked away from the church and God.
The second fear that was well hidden was the fear of false/fake friends. , I had never viewed it as a fear, but I am not going to argue with God, as he made it abundantly clear that it was indeed fear. In past experiences, I have had many people say there were my friends only to find out they were not. There are many stories I could share but to what avail. Hurt is hurt and I was hurt often and deeply. Unfortunately, I then began to react in the same manner and hold the title of the villain in many stories.
The saying hurt people hurt people could not be more true. The amazing thing is that I am no longer a hurt person and have remarkable friends who are all flawed just like me and they have carried me through some very troubled waters. My journey since starting my Christian walk all over again has been blessed with the guidance and love of the St. Johns Presbyterian Church. However, my personal health and the health of my husband have been plagued with sickness, stress, and strife but God and our church family provided us with the hope required and the faith needed to get through the worst of every situation. Trying times still lie ahead but I know I am not walking through any of it alone.
Divorce and addiction have been major storms that I have had to endure. Both of these situations disheartening but addiction would have to be the real kicker. Having zero control to fix or save your child is totally devastating and overwhelming. Oh for the days when a cuddle and a kiss could fix it all. Watching your child, who you have adored and loved with every fiber of your being slowly disappear before your eyes is heart-wrenching to a degree of crippling you in every way imaginable. The outward appearance is the same but the spirit inside that was once light, joy, love, and a beautiful soul turning into a manipulating, conniving, lying, and dark spirit has had me to the brink of my own existence on several occasions and to feel you were in it all alone brought me to my knees often. I know we are never truly alone but sometimes it sure feels it.
This may be one of the storms that God felt I had to endure in order for me to finally and truly realize that although I am a strong-willed and capable human being doesn't mean I don't need him because I certainly do and that is something that I can honestly say I have learned and now stand firm on his promise that he will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). I have nothing to fear as God is in control and he has a plan. This leads me to the next lesson that God is trying to teach me. He will do it in his timeframe, not mine! Hard pill to swallow when you are a planner and want everything all done and dusted and to know how it all should go. But, I have learned that God sometimes must just laugh and say - do you think? Yep, just because I feel that the whole thing just went sideways doesn't mean it is so. My plan may have gone sideways but God's plan is still straight ahead. Huge difference and once my perspective changed it became easier to accept that his plans are better and God never shows up late.