My Selfishness Hurt Others!

As I read the book "Fully Alive" by Susie Larson, it posed a question of memory too big to face - well it isn't just a memory for me it is the hurt that I caused my children as I divorced their father and proceed to marry another man and then drag them through another divorce. Selfish - the only word I can use to describe my actions, not an ounce of regard for their feelings or how it was affecting them. Since I didn't love their father I just plowed forward and tore their worlds apart. If I could go back and re-write my life this is where I would go immediately. I wouldn't change a minute of the time I spent with their father as I wouldn't have them and they are my greatest assets in this world.

I have talked to them both and apologized and both were very forgiving and so understanding. God has also forgiven me and I know I am not that selfish person anymore but I could go back and change it I would do it all differently and put my children's needs before my own. I know I can't go back so I strive to show them how Christ has changed me and how I am there for them in every way I can be and that they are very special to me.

My actions went against everything that I should have done. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 states what love should be. I showed no love during that time in my life. I was not patient, I was angry, I was not kind, I was mean as an alley cat, do not envy, well I wanted everything everyone else had and at any cost, does not boast, I boasted alright and most of it was lies so that the world would think I was so much better off, is not proud, oh proud look at me, does not dishonor others, I dishonored by sons and not self-seeking, well you would have thought there was no other human involved in the whole thing and does not keep any record of wrongdoings, I had every wrongdoing on full volume and repeated them often so I wouldn't forget. Now doesn't that sound like someone you would want to be around?

I had a ton of work to do to rectify this situation and Ephesians 4:31-32 gave me a road map. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slandering, along with every form of malice. Well slap me silly, this is no easy feat but believe me, with God you can do it all and do it with grace. Verse 32 then added a bit more work as it told me to be kind and compassionate to one another and here is where my sons stepped in and don't even know it forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

To quote Bernard Meltzer "When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future". I am just happy that I came to the realization that I had not been the mother I should have been to the boys but I am more thankful that they had the grace and ability to forgive me. Our future is so bright that we may have to wear shades, right Huey Lewis.

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