Updated: Aug 23, 2021
Peace, living in a state of peace sound easy enough but some days it proves to be a battle to the death.
For years my life was filled with dread, anger, and a sense of spinning totally out of control all the while attempting to maintain a happy, put together, and in control persona, for the world to see. The energy that the facade required was ridiculous. Learning to not allow outside entities to steal my peace is still a battle that presents itself but I have learned over the past few years to not react immediately. It isn't as though each time it presents itself that it is clear that this situation, question, or request is going to steal my peace but I have learned that if I have an uneasiness about it then I take the time to er ponder it over and ask God is this from you.
If I feel an uneasiness then it probably isn't from God but I do have to wait and pray because sometimes my uneasiness is nothing more than me not wanting to do it.
God will give you the tools for any job that he sends you on. Just because you may be uncomfortable or going outside your comfort zone there will be a sense of peace in your soul even if your brain is screaming that you have lost your mind.
During Covid, right at the beginning of our shut down, in March 2020 I had just been sent home to work. As I was sitting at the kitchen table starring into two huge monitors writing a policy I received a message from the daughter of one of my old neighbours and he was dying alone in the local hospital. My heart was broken as I was very fond of the gentleman and had tried on many occasions to help him as much as I could.
With all the restrictions in place and all of his immediate family living off-island, he was dying alone. To make a long story short a call from his family and a call from a nurse and I was on my way to the hospital to sit with this man so he wouldn't be alone. As I was driving to the hospital I attempted to get ahold of our pastor for some advice on what to say or more specifically on what not to say. No answer! So, I remember having a very frank discussion with God about it all and it went something like this. "Ok God, I have no idea why you are sending about the least qualified member of St. Johns Presbyterian Church to do this, but I am putting my full faith in you and that you will direct me on what to do. I didn't tell him I was shaking inside because I was well aware that he knew I was scared out of my mind but I wasn't letting anyone die alone.
As I entered the room there was a sweet nurse holding the phone to his ear and his granddaughter was talking to him and telling him that she loved him. He had been non-responsive since the night before but the nursing staff was doing all they could to ensure that everyone who was calling had a chance to say their goodbyes. I took over for the nurse and answered a few more calls and put them all on speaker so he would know they were there. The phone did stop ringing and at that point, I spoke to him and said: "well it is just you and me and there are a few things we need to do." I said the sinners' prayer on his behalf, sang Amazing Grace and how Great Thou Art, and then a nurse appeared with some tea and I sat down in the chair next to his bed and took his hand in mine and took one drink of the tea. I spoke to him then about the majestic place heaven was and with no pain or suffering, he took his last breath and left this world.
I had been with him for less than an hour and I have no doubt that it was all made possible by God. No one but the immediate family was allowed in the hospitals and who was I? A former neighbour from three years ago. When it is of God he opens doors that would never be opened and I realized as I was driving home with the tears streaming down my face that God had just used me, the least equipped person to do his work and it was God who directed me on what to do and what to say. I may not have received that revelation had my minister answered the phone because I would have followed his advice but instead I was in a very small way similar to Paul in Galatians 1:15, 16 where he was directed to go and preach to the gospel to the Gentiles, he just did it and there were no discussions with his closest friend or his pastor. That day I learned that you can still have peace, and be scared silly if it is of God.
That situation wasn't one where I had the time to wait and ponder but there are times that you can. If there is a real mess of emotions stirring inside you, wait! When the emotions calm then makes the decision. Once again, we have to differentiate between flesh and spirit but the more you follow the spirit and deny flesh the easier it gets.
My entire flesh was screaming we can't do this and Satan was in my ear telling me I wasn't qualified for the job I was just given but my spirit said you got this and I will be right there with you. The peace I had when I left the hospital is still hard to explain. Prior to that, I would have never believed there can be peace when you are afraid. But knowing that God is in full control always brings peace.
Hang tight to that thought, it has brought me much peace in other trying situations.