Just Tolerated!

Updated: Aug 23, 2021

Walking through life I have always felt just tolerated. Not really wanted just tolerated. Fully expecting when the usefulness to the relationship had passed or if I stumbled or failed, I would be tossed aside like yesterday's garbage. The feeling that I received very little forgiveness or compassion from others. Not truly sure of the validity of these feelings but many examples that would lead me to believe it must be true come crashing through. But when I get past the rush of memories that come plowing into my brain and think about the people who have been around for many years and have been by my side through some terrible times and shared some very joyful times with me, I realize that this was nothing but a lie.


This lie seems to be deeply rooted and has been rearing its head over and over in the past week. I am working on it and it is no easy feat to change the views of being subpar to see yourself in any other way. But as I was preparing for my small group and re-reading the chapter we will be discussing I realized that this lie was once again being drug to the surface. There was a line in the book that said "Jesus doesn't just tolerate you: He's crazy about you." I had read this chapter four times but never registered with this one line.


As I went through the whole chapter again you would swear I was reading it for the first time. Words were jumping off the pages and smacking me right in the face. I realized that the oppression I have been living under was truly based on lies. Bold-faced, cruel, hateful, and crippling lies. I have spent my life apologizing for being me, feeling insecure and inferior, and was nothing but a broken vessel of a human hiding behind a fake wall of boldness, security, and strength. Behind that wall sits a very broken and lonely soul.


Satan has used guilt and shame to keep me behind this wall. There are many times I should have felt guilty about my actions but I should not be still carrying them with me. I have confessed, repented, and apologized for my past transgressions which have been eating away at me. But that little voice that can have me feeling lower than a snake's belly creeps in and sets me back.


I have been working on my destructive ways and attempting to learn from my past indiscretions and there is much work to be done. The good news is that I am growing stronger in my walk with God but the devil seems to be in high gear and blasting at times in every way he can think of. I, however, am relying on God's promises of delivering me from my past hurts, memories, and from the feelings of just being tolerated.

Ephesians 1:7 tells me that I have redemption through Jesus's blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace. A short verse that packs a tremendous punch. This one verse alone tells me that I am ok. That God has me covered.


Isaiah 44:22 says he has swept away my offenses like a cloud, my sins like the morning mist. Return to God, he has redeemed me. Another verse that tells me that my feelings of jus being tolerated are not true with my relationship with God. He has redeemed me. Redeemed is defined as: compensated for faults or bad aspects of something. Gain or regain possession of something in exchange for payment.


Someone who just tolerates you would not make compensation for your faults nor would they make restitution to gain or regain the possession of you. But God did this for me and that speaks volumes to me that he doesn't tolerate me, he truly and genuinely loves me.


My newest work of self is to see me through the eyes of God and stop putting the emphasis on how the world sees me or how I think I am viewed by others. My sense of perception is extremely skewed but with God's grace and my unwavering faith in his promises, I can overcome the feelings of just being tolerated and get to the state of being proud of who I am - an heir to the heavenly throne, fully known andloved by God the Father.


It may not happen overnight, but each day I get a step closer.






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