Updated: Aug 23, 2021
As I started the Susie Larsen study I have been jotting a note here and a note there but a couple of weeks ago God laid it upon my heart to start journaling. So here I sit attempting to put in order the many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that were pulsing through my brain. It was after I had the first breakthrough that God told me to write it down. Since, well I guess since isn't the right word so I will start again! For as long as I can remember I have always felt that I was never enough. No matter how hard I tried or how hard I worked it seemed there was always someone pointing out what else I should be doing, this was the first lie of the devil that I accepted for many years. Then there were the feelings of shame and unworthiness of being truly and fully loved by God because most of my worldly examples have fallen short and left me scared (and I know in my journey I have scared others). So, to truly think that anyone could/would love this oddball of a human was just outside my realm of reality, this was the second lie of the devil that I have been carrying around for many years. These are the first two lies that God revealed to me and told me in his most gracious and gentle way that were just not true.
First lie, I was doing my devotions and meditation, and ruing this time I was asking "Why do I not feel as though anyone would ever truly love me?" I received a very clear and direct answer almost immediately. God spoke to me in a way that truly has changed my perception of self. He said as clear as a bell - if no other human ever truly loves you what difference does it make? I love you unconditionally and fully and my love is truly the only love that counts. Well slap me silly, truer words were never uttered to me before. Who truly cares if another flawed human being loves me. My Heavenly Father loves me and he is perfect in every way. Now don't get me wrong, I still would like for those close to me to love me, but, my spirit is no longer broken over the "what ifs" that surrounded my feeling of not being loved because I know that God loves me and that love is truly enough.
Second lie was brought about while listening to a podcast by my favorite female evangelist, Joyce Myers! I was logging onto my work computer and turned on my daily podcast and there she was telling me to stop apologizing for who I was because I am not that person anymore. I have repented to God and he has forgiven me. So, in essence, I have been apologizing for someone who no longer exists and whose sins have been cast into the sea of forgetfulness. It was me that kept fishing them out! There I sat thinking why do I keep doing that and thank you, God, through Joyce, for setting me straight on this specific topic.
I am not sure what other lies are going to be revealed but I am not nearly as anxious about dealing with them as they are revealed because I have cleared two huge hurdles and it was very uplifting. There were tears but they weren't broken tears anymore they were healing tears. Outwardly my eyes were still a mess and my nose was running but inwardly there was no turmoil or feelings of defeat. I am excited that I have lost these two companions. There were about the most loyal things in my life. They reminded me every day that they were there and that I shouldn't expect anything better in my life and not to aim too high as I would just fail.
Those thoughts no longer have any hold on me as I know the difference and feel the difference. My next step is to figure out my lies of "I can't". Not sure what they are but I know they will be revealed and with God's grace and guidance they will all be replaced with "I can".
Stay tuned! I am very sure there is more healing, crying, and growing to come. May God richly bless anyone who has taken the time to read my very first blog.